In life we are forced to start over and over, time and time again. No matter how hard we try to avoid it, there will always be a first time: the first day of school, the first date, the first fight, the first day at your new job or, my most recent case, the first time ever publishing a blog post.
It’s not my first time writing one, though. I have prepared for this moment many times for many years: writing, editing and then just deleting the file. Or actually saving it in this folder I call “Where my ideas go to die”. Do you have this folder, too?
"What has been holding you back??", I hear yourself wondering. Myself is the simple yet shocking answer. My fears, my insecurities & my ego that was trying hard to keep me locked in my comfort zone.
It seems so unreal to me that fear is nothing but a fictional fence that I carefully build up in my own stubborn head. Nobody else told me to be scared, that I won’t be good enough to pursue a certain career or that someone else will judge me for chasing my dreams. Instead this fear only feeds off my own self-doubt. This folder I mentioned is filled with funny stories, wild experiences, deep insights and artistic eruptions - all of those were simply labeled “not good enough” to be released out into this world. Because I myself was holding them back. Out of fear that I could fail, that I suddenly would not be good enough for the one thing I wanted so much, that the critics would scream louder than the people who approved.
So instead of freeing myself, I bought into the mind chatter and became a prisoner, trapped inside a little box, next to pages over pages of content. The little rabbit hole seemed to be really comfortable at first, I mean, it offered so many beautiful things to get distracted by. I traveled, I danced, supported others in their aspirations. I would even go so far as to pick a huge fight so that I would not need to sit my ass down and finally get over myself. Because whenever I tried, the fear came back. What if you are going to fail? Then the dream simply dies.
I am so grateful that, in the end, I have reached a point where holding back was actually more painful than finally jumping ahead, and that I am now able to publish these words. They will not be perfect and also don’t need to be. Because new beginnings are hard and that’s just that. No single person on this planet will achieve their very best work on their first day at the job and that’s absolutely okay. As long as we try our best every day and keep on being open to learning and to growing, things will get better eventually.
Yes, starting something new is scary, the idea of failing is scary, but something else appears even more scary to me now: Not experiencing the rush of endorphins after I have jumped past my fears and succeeded. Not moving beyond my obstacles out of fear and instead choosing to stay put. Staying stuck in the same old rut. Stuck in the suffering that I have created for myself. Out of fear that I cannot do it.
Here I am, proving myself wrong. I can & I most definitely will. And all of you will need to put up with my learning curve, if you so choose, obviously. But even if not, even if no single person will ever read this first attempt of publishing my words, I don’t even care. Because, as soon as I will do it, I already achieved all I wanted. You don’t need approval or fame to be a writer. All you need to do is type.
So, tell me, what kind of dreams are sitting in your box? How many times did you hold yourself back, from trying something new, voicing your truth or simply following your heart? Because you were too scared? Because you told yourself you won’t be good enough? Let it go. These thoughts don’t serve anyone. All they do is hold you down, make you small and stop you from being the person you really want to be.
The thing that scares you the most, do exactly that. Make it your highest priority to kick these fears in the ass and show them that you can & will do it.
Because you can do anything.
Sending love & light,